Friday 22 November 2013

Dr

A doctor was addressing a large audience at a conference. He said, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."

He continued, "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."

Rajnikant

RAJNIKANT UNLIMITED

People Update Status Via BlackBerry, iPhone, iPad, Etc.. Rajnikant Updates Status Via Calculator...

Rajnikanth's dog's house has a signboard on it, saying..
Maalik Se Sawdhan!

Once Rajnikant Decided To Race With Time.. & The Result Is Time Is Still Running

Galileo used 'Lamp' to Study, Graham bell used 'Candle' to study, Shakshpeare studied in 'Street lights' But .....
Do u know about Rajnikant......????
Only Agarbatti

When Rajnikant was a student! You can't guess this one...
Teachers used to bunk!

While playing once Rajnikant said "statue" to a girl... Now that Statue is know as "Statue of Liberty"

Once Rajnikant was playing cricket in the monsoons.... and .... The rain was cancelled due to the match.

One day Rajnikant gone 4 morning walk & in afternoon police arrstd him..
WHY? Bcoz he reachd USA witout visa

Why did british leave India in 1947? Bcoz. they came to know Rajnikant was going to be born in 1948...

This Msg. is being Sent in the Interest of Humanity-"Guys Please Stop making Jokes on Rajnikantn or else he will Delete the INTERNET..."

Surprise

Innocent Kid : Mummy mujhe bhai chahiye

Mummy : Beta Dad USA me hai, jaise hi wo ayenge hum baat karenge unse

Kid - Aap unhe surprise bhi to de sakte ho ��

Thappad

Jabardast Joke…. .��
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1 aadmi apne bete k liye 1
ROBOT
laya
jo jooth bolne par THAPAD 
marta tha.
.
Beta:- Papa aaj me school
nahi jaunga mere
pet me
dard hai (bete ko padi Sattaak…)
.
PAPA- Dekha tune jooth bola
isliye tuje saza mili,
me jab tere jitna tha to kabhi jooth nahi bolta
tha.
(papa ko bhi padi Sattaak…)
.
.
Wife: (Haste huye boli) Aap hi
ka beta hai
(mummy ko bhi. . .Sattaak…)
�� Complete Silenceee

Mny

Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..

Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.


Ek aadmi ne conductor se pucha: Aap kitne ghante bus me rehte ho?

Conductor: 24 hours.

Aadmi: Wo kaise?

Conductor: 8 ghante city bus me, Baaki 16 ghante biwi ke "BASME".!



Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there!


A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the necklace FAKE?

Nooooo! That was the deal :)


A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook!!


Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :

"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed..."


Bhakt: Swami ji, aisi Patni ko kya kahte hai jo Gori ho, Lambi ho, sundar ho, Inteligent ho, Pati ko samjhe, Or kabhi jhagda n kare?

Swami: Mann ka Vaham kahte hain Beta, Mann ka Vaham!!!!

Hijack

PAPPU stood up in the aeroplane & shouted
"HIJACK..."
Everyone started crying and screaming. . . .

��

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��

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Then JACK stood up
& replied
"HI PAPPU.!!!"

����


Outstanding

This is ultimate...,

Employee: Sir, Santa is standing outside your cabin with a bunch of underwears in a basket!

Boss: Oh shit! I told him to debrief his team and meet me in 15 mins... 

Many Good

Ultimate one.......
can't stop laughing......

DILO me
KAMAL 
khilao ........

Panjato muth marne ke kaam bhi ata hAI.......������
U bet
ThumsUp is launching Viagra drink.
It is named....
"LUNDS-UP"!
With punch line
"Fuck The Thunder, Dal de Andar "

Winter Shayari (Crazy one)
Arz kiya hai..

Baith k bathroom mein nawab k jaise....
sardi k mausam mein sochtaa hu aise...
.
Baith k bathroom mein nawab k jaise....
sardi k mausam mein sochtaa hu aise
.
"Ki kar to li hai tune beta....
abb thande paani se dhoega Kaise....
����

Thought

Thought of the day
....................................
तरक्की  की राह मे
रोडे आए या ना आए,

भैन के लोडे जरूर आते है!!

Wah

Kal ek jhalak zindagi ko dekha...
Wo  meri raaho mein  gungunaa rahi thi.....

Fir dhunda usey idhar udhar....
Wo aankh micholi kar, muskura rahi thi......

Ek arse baad aaya mujhe qaraar......
Wo sehlaa kar mujhe sulaa rahi thi......

Hum dono kyon khafaa hain ek doosre se.....
Main use aur wo mujhe samjha rahi thi .....

Maine poochh liya,  kyon dard diye kambakht tune ???
Wo boli, main "Zindagi hoon" pagale,
Tujhey jeena sikha rahi thi...!!


Chidiya

Prof.- Samundar Me Nimbu ke Ped Ho To Tum kaise Todoge?
Studt-Chidiya Bankar.
Sir-Admi ko Chidiya tera baap Banayega?
Studt- Smundar Me Ped Tera BAAP Lagaega

Dr

Lady Doctor : "Sharmao Mat. Main Dr Hoon, Sirf Batao Kya Problem Hai, Main Khud Check Karungi"

Patient : "Meri Wife Ko Lagta Hai Ki Mere penis Ka Taste Feeka hai..."

Liquor

I found a Leaflet in my newspaper this morning which read, 'ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC? CALL NOW. WE CAN HELP!!!'

I Called up. It Was A Liquor Shop Offer : 'Buy 3 & Get 1 Free'...
������

Flowers

A guy opening a new business received flowers with a card "Rest in peace"
He got angry, rushed to florist and told him how bad he felt,
Florist replied: Sorry sir, but imagine....somewhere there is a funeral and they have flowers with a card: "Congratulations on your new location !!!"

Many

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Juvaan ni mistake che. Buddhi bhes.
Baba bhosdiwale Kahte hai ki-

"Machhi aur ladki khud pakad k khao toh hi asli maza hai,

Lund aur kanoon kabhi haath me na lo,

Naukri aur Goti pe kabhi laat na maaro,

Lohe par hathoda aur chut par lauda tabhi maaro jab woh garam ho,

Kismat ki karni, chut ki garmi aur lund ki besharmi nahi rukti,

Aur sambhaal ke sex karo Qki,
bandook se nikla foulad aur chut se nikli aulad kabhi wapis nahi jaati."

Ekdum kadak!! -

Girl:- mei hu ladki jheel ki,
chut meri steel ki,
chod sake na hathi ghode,
tu kya chodega maa ke loude...

Boy:-naam hai mera pappan pillo,
lund ka weight chappan kilo,
jamin par maru toh kuva khod jaye...
tu to kya teri ma bhi chud jaye..

Has mat forward kar market me naya hai....��
��......��
Most creative gaali ...
 "Abe lund pe ghungroo bandhke teri aisi gaand marunga,
ki Padosi confuse ho jayege ke 'Kirtan' ho raha hai ya 'Mujra'..."
��Ek number joke

In the interview of heroines, every heroine was asked ~
" Which vada do you like ???.. "

Madhuri Dixit - Pav Vada

Kajol - Mendhu Vada

Shridevi -Idali Vada

Kareena Kapoor - Rasam Vada .

Priyanka chopra- batata vada...

Sunny leone - laVADA


Hasomat market me naya h aage forward karo

Swami

==================
Ek Sadhu se ek bhakt ne Pucha-

Aap Hamesha Zameen Pe Kyu Bethtey Ho ?
.
.
Sadhu Ne Bahut Khubsurat Jawab Diya-
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"Tujhe Koi Taqleef Hai madarchod ?

Letter

SEXFORMAL LETTER
To,
The gandu
principal,
girlchoda
School bhosdapur

Sir
Mai apke school
ki 8v class me pdhti hu.Pr mere boobs
bade hone ke karan mujhe 10v me
bitha diya. Class ke ladko ne mil ke
meri chut mar li jiska mujhe afsos
nahi h balki bahut mja aya.Pr unhone
meri gand bhi mari,jo k bahut dard kr
rahi hi Is liye mai 2din skool me nahi
aa sakti

Fatt gayi kachchi chud gayi sachi Aap ki pyaari chuddakad bacchi

Sunny and Sanjay


Sanjay Leela Bhansali was explaining a romantic scene about his New film: "Real Love is, when 2 people are so close that they see the world together in one direction..."

Sunny Leone : .. Sorry to interrupt you Sanjay Jee, but if I'm not wrong, U are explaining the Doggy Style.. Right ?

Art Gallery

A couple went to an Art Gallery. Ther was a picture of a girl covered only by Leaves.

Husband kept watching.
.
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Wife: Ghar abhi chaloge, Ya Hawa aane tak yahi rukoge!!! ��

Sex

Hahahah
Arz kiya hai....

Unki ek Muskurahat Pe hum Unse sex
kar bethe...

Zara gaur farmaye,

Unki ek muskurahat pe hum Unse sex
kar bethe...

Hum chaddi Pehenne hi waale the Ki,
Wo phir se Muskura baithe...


Sunday 17 November 2013

Assoles

What women do with their Ass holes every morning!!???

Send them to Office‼️����

Sachins Speech

Sachin Tendulkar : "All my friends, settle down let me talk, I'll get more and more emotional. "My life between 22 yards in the 24 years, it's hard to believe that it's coming to an end. I would like to thank all the people who have helped me in my life to get here. I have a list in my hand, please forgive me if I miss out on a few names. First, my father, he passed away in 1999. He was very key for my career. he gave me freedom, chase your dreams and don't find shortcuts. He also told me to be a nice human being. My mother, I don't how she dealt with such a naughty like guy me. She took care of me to be healthy. She started praying for me even before I started my career and I think those prayers gave my strength. In my school days , I used to stay with my uncle and aunt as my school was far away . They treated me like their son. They gave me enough food that I can play well. My eldest brother, he used to tell me, I know you'd do everything right and I have the confidence in you. My sister, she gave my the first bat for me. A Kashmir Willow bat. She continues to fast when I bat. Ajit , I don't what do I talk about him. It all started from the age of 11, he took to Achrekar sir my coach. And my life changed. Even last night, he called me and we were discussing my dismissal. Various things we agreed upon, my technique. I have had a lot of chat with him. If I had not done that, I would have been a lesser cricketer . The most important one in 1991, I met my wife Anjali . I know she was a doctor. When we decided to make it a family, she said, you continue with your cricket and I'll take care of the family. Without that I think I couldn't have played so much cricket. Thank you for all that you've done and it is the best partnership I've had in my life. Then Sara and Arjun are two precious diamonds in my life. Daughter is 16 and son is 14, time has flown by. I wasn't able to be with them for the birthdays , annaul days and stuff. Thanks for understanding all that, both of you have been so special to me. I've not spent enough time with you but I promise you the rest is for you. My in-laws have been supporting. I discuss various things with them, we have a strong family and thank you for allowing me to marry Anjali . There have been a lot of friends who have supported me. Leaving their work and coming to bowl at me when I called them. I thought my career was over when I was injured, by my friends called even at 3 AM and made me believe that it was not over . My career started at 11. My brother took me to Achrekar sir and that is the best to have happened to me. Sir would be taking me on his scooter all over Mumbai to ensure that I get enough match practice. On a lighter note, he's never said well played to me so that I don't get complacent."
"My cricket started right here at this ground. The dream was obviously to play for India. BCCI was fantastic , they believed my at the of 16 years and selected me. Thanks for the support and the freedom, without that this couldn't have happened. I have played with many senior cricketers , thanks to everyone for helping me out. I see, Rahul, Laxman , Sourav and my teamates, you guys are like my family. It is going to be difficult without that dressing room, sharing those special moments."
"When Dhoni gave me the 200th Test cap, I just said, we are all proud to be here as a team and I believe that you guys will take care of this country in the right spirit to the best of our abilities. I believe in you and all the best for your future. Thanks to all the doctors, physios , without your special efforts , I couldn't have been fit. I don't know how you all kept me in good shape. My dear friend, late Mark Mascerenhas, my first manager. Without him I couldn't have achieved all this. All those sponsorship deals etc.. thanks for your support. I miss you. My manager Vinod Naidu, he's more like my family. He's given me so much time leaving his family to work with him. In the school days when I played well, the media backed be a lot. You've been doing that till now. Thank you to all of you, all those photographers. Those moments will remain with me for the career. I thank all the people who supported me a lot. Whether I scored a 0 or a 100. I've met a lot of people who does all sorts of things for me, thank you for all that you've done. Especially, "Sachin... Sachin.." that will be ringing in my ears till I breath. GOODBYE "

Many

Girlfriend: ''Can You Tell Me??
What is My Bra Size??''
.
Boyfriend: ''36.....''
.
Girlfriend: ''WOW!!! How do you know???
.
Boyfriend: ''Yesterday I Opened it.''
.
Girlfriend: ''But in my Bra, there is no Number?''
.
Boyfriend: ''So what Babe..... I am an Engineer, from Load I can Calculate Area...''
.
Engineer's ki jai ho!!!! 
Ladkiya 4 Cheezo ki diwani hoti hai 1) Make up 2) Mobile 3) Shopping
4)
Niche dekh
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abey ghochu apne niche dekh 
Ek Sadhu se ek bhakt ne Pucha-

Aap Hamesha Zameen Pe Kyu Bethtey Ho ?
.
.
Sadhu Ne Bahut Khubsurat Jawab Diya-
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"Tujhe Koi Taqleef Hai madarchod ?
Teacher: what is your best friends  name.
Student: Madanlal Darshanlal Chodhary.
teacher: its very long, any short name. . .
Student: Ma. . Dar. . .Chod.
GHATAK MESSAGE:-

Ek ladki apne boyfriend se: Kabhi tumne BOOBS se dudh piya hai???

Ladka (sharmate hue): Nahi...

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  Ladki:
To bachpan me kya BAAP KA LUND
chus ke bada hua hai
bhenchod.?! 
Ek Kisaan 1 murga leke aaya. Us murge ne aate hi 150 murgiyo ko chod diya.

Ye dekh kar kishan bahut khush hua. Sham tak us murge ne sari batakho (duck)or Baki janwaro ko b chod diya,

ye dekhkar kishan kuch pareshan hua. Agle din jab subah hui to murga khet me mara pda tha

or upar giddh mandra rhe the. Use dekhkar Kishan bola, "mar gaya bhosdi k,

harkate b to teri aisi thi" tabhi murge ne ek aankh kholi or bola "chup madarchod ,
Acting kar raha hu bhenchod,
inme se ek ko niche to aane de ,
Fir dekh kaisi gaand marta hu inki" )

Has kya rahe ho ,saalo
Murga bilkul tum par gaya hai

Sex

HUSBAND- Shall v Try A Different Position 2Nite?
WiFE- Xcellent Idea, U Stand
At Da SINK & Wash Da Dishes
& I'll Lie oN Da SoFA & Watch
Da T.V.... ;->
Man: Tumhari Wife Gum Hui Hy Tou Police Ko Q Nai Bataya

?Ardar: Q K Jb Mera Scooter Gum Huwa Tha To Police Walo Ne

15-20 Din Istemaal Kar K Loataya Tha.
Mom: Why R U pregnant?

Daughter: This is our project in college about "Miracle of Life"

Mom: Tell me who is he?

Daughter:I dont know, it was a group project.
Larki- Dad, Mei Maa Banne Wali Hu..!

Dady- Battamiz Besharam..!

Larki- Apne He To Kaha Tha Jab Tak Mai Kuch Ban Nahi Jati, Meri Shadi Nahi Karoge. . . . . ;->

School ni pachad

Ek chhokaro school ni pachhal ubha ubha muthia martoto. Lady teacher (gussa ma): aa su kare chhe, nalayak??? Student : 100 varas jivana madam. Tamane j yaad karto hato....

Boxing

Husband  &  Wife  Boxing  ka match  mehnga  ticket  khareed  kar  dekhne  gaye .

1  Boxer  ne  1st  minute  mei  hi doosre  ko  knock  out  kar  diya .

Husband :  Oh  Shit .

Biwi : Ab  Aap  ko  patta  challa  k  1  minute  mein  " KHEL "  khatam hone  par  kitna  ghussa  aata  hai .

Jin  ko  samjh  aaya  wo  aagay forward  karen .  ��

Bahut sex

Lady 2 Dr:Thakkan bahut hoti hai. Dr:Sex kitna karti ho? Lady Daily. Dr:Sunday ko mat karo! Lady:Hey Ram!Sunday ko hee to PATI ghar hote hai,unhe kaise mana karu.

Bolluwood whatsapp

Bollywood celebrities group on watsapp:
SRK: Heyyy frnds....whtsuppp
Weekend kya plans...
I will be spending this weekend with Stephen Steinberg, we planin for remake of OSO....where I I will b triplets of Farah....blah blah blah...

IMRAN: Bhai jaan best of luck 

Priyanka: Hey thats nice

Kajol: Best wishes

SRK: Thank u guys.....any wants to join me this weekend ��

Kajol: No SRK go ahead....busy this weekend

Priyanka: Sorry SRK same here...

SRK: Ohh...common guys....tht will fun...come join me....

IMRAN: Sorry bhai jaan....this weekend in Mumbai....will b going wankhade stadium to watch sachin....u join me

SRK: 

Priyanka: sorry SRK....same here...

Kajol: 

SRK: ��

Amir joined the group
Salmaan Joined the group

AAMIR: Chalna SRK match dekhne

Salmaan: 

SRK: Guys plssss 

Aamir: Arey tu to bura maan gaya...

Salmaan: chal na...

Kajol: Chal na ...

Imran: Chalo bhai It will be fun...

SRK left the group..

����

Sacha pyaar

Saccha pyar wo nahi jis mein dil toot jaye,

pyar to wo hai jis mein palang toot jaye....!

"Asaraam bapu"  ki kitaab
(Page no. 69).

Sachin

Cricket will be now known as AS (After Sachin)
and BS (Before Sachin)

48 minutes ago ·
Sachin's career ending with another world record,
only cricketer to make most number of people cry
at same time

Sachin's retirement is nature's way of telling that
'Nothing is permanent'!

Best Quote is from Sammy: India taught us how to
treat your hero

The Best moment.... Walking back... Bending to
touch the pitch in respect... for one last time

Virat Kohli and MSD must be really strong men to
carry a man who has carried a billion expectations
for 24 years

And when sachin came back to kiss the pitch... i
cried.. he cried... india cried

Other teams lift their trophy while taking a round
of the ground
Our team lift Sachin Tendulkar.
Biggest Win Ever!!!!

I have never smiled and cried together.
Today is the day.
Thank You Sachin!!
Miss You Sachin!!
What a Emotional Farewell

Sachin

Lesson from Sachin's speech

Even a great man has to remember to thank his inlaws.

