Mooh me

Lady Teacher: Bolo Baccho.. I For Inkpot.. J For Jug.. K For Kite.. L For Lund.... Ohh Sorry.. Gulti Se Mooh Se Nikal Gaya.. Student: Mam Sorry Ki Kiya Baat Hain.. Waapis Mooh Mein Le Lo..!

Six Laughs

Six Laughs:
No1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep.
The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
**************************************
No2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of  AIDS.
His son asked Dad why?
He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.
**************************************
No3
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband.
Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.
************************************No4
Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them,
Son: "What are you doing?" Ask the son.
Father: "I’m putting petrol on your Mom."
Son: "Haauu - Haauu! Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr Zwane has put in yesterday."
Mother fainted!
**************************************
No5
A man went to the pub with his wife.
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered:
"You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay.
**************************************
No6 - Classic
An 8 year old boy is accused of rape*.
In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your honour see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?
The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!"
**************************************
Now that you've smiled, don't be stingy with the smiles, share them With friends

Harassment

Teacher: Frame a sentence using the word 'Harassment'.Student: I was in love with a girl and HerAssMeant a lot to me...;)

200 Rs

Height of insult...
Honeymoon par gaye ek jode ne hotel me entry li.
Patni sofe pr baith gayi and pati counter pr room book krne
chala gaya. Waha pr ek ladki mini skirt me counter pr
khadi thi.
Room me aakar pati ne patni se kaha: wo jo ladki counter
pr khadi thi wo call girl thi
Patni - nahi ji ye unka uniform hota h aap to kuch b
samajh lete ho
Pati patni me bahas ho gayi or shart lag gayi
Pati ne patni ko parde ke peeche chhupa diya or ladki ko
bulaya or puccha - main akela hu aaj rat mere sath rukogi
Ladki boli - 2000 lungi
Pati - 200 dunga
Aur ladki gussa hoke chali gayi or pati shart jeet gaya
Fir sham ko dono pati patni restaurent me baithe hue the
to us ladki ne door se uneh dekha nd paas aakar boli....
200 rs me to aisi hi milegi.. lukhe..

Popat

Ek Lady POPAT kharidne
Gayi
Dukndr ne 1 tota dikhaya. Lady- kya khasiyat he?
Dukndr-ye bolta hai.
Lady ne pucha- Mai kesi
Lagti hu
Tota- Randi lagti ho
Lady- ye to Badtamiz
Tota Hai.
Washim Bhai Use Under Le Gaye Aur Pani Me Duba Ke Puchha. Bol Ab Gali Dega ?
Tota- Nahi Kabhi Nahi Dung. wo use Bahar Laye Aur
Lady Se Kaha Ab Puchhiye  Gali Nahi Dega
Lady -Agar Mere Ghar Pe 1Aadmi Aaye To Tum Kya Sochoge
Tota- Aapka Pati Hai.
Lady- Agar 2 ?
Tota -Aap Ka Pati Aur Devar
Lady- Agar 3 ?
Tota- Pati,Devar & Bhai
Lady- Agar 4 ?
Tota- Washimbhai Pani Le Aao Maine To Pahele Hi Kaha Tha
"Madarchod Randi Hai"

Husband Version 1.0

INSTALLING HUSBAND.....

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,........................

Reply...

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulove dme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Cock vs Elbow

In Hotel's Lift, Man's Elbow Touch Lady's Breast.
Man: If Ur Heart Is Soft As Ur Breast, U'll Forgive Me.
Lady: If Ur Cock Is Hard As Ur Elbow, I'm In Room# 203

No GF

If u don't have valentine on valentine's day..; don't be sad....... Most people don't have AIDs on AIDs day ;-)

Savita

It becomes really hard to control your laughter when your close friend introduces you to his wife whose names is'Savita'

Advice Column

WHY MEN AREN'T ALLOWED
TO RUN ADVICE AND LOVE
COLUMNS IN MAGAZINES
AND NEWSPAPERS

Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2km from home n my car engine started 2 overheat so i had to turn back and get another car. When i got home i found my husband in bed with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help.

Reply:
Dear anonymous.
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. U need to check your oil and water level in your engine b4 u start your journey. U must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helped you...!!

Sex

Pappu: Papa what is SEX?
Santa gets tensed but explains everything.
Pappu: But papa how to write all those things in this small box
of school admission form?

Condom Rules

After sex aunty ask to boy .why don't u use condom:

Young boy: replys to aunty its written on the packet Do not use if the seal is already broken...

Sex with saali

Apni Sali Ke Saath Sex Karne Ke Baad Jija Bola Jija: Tum Apni Didi Se Zyada Majaa Deti Ho Saali Udaas Hote Hue: Dekhiye Na Jijaji, Fir Bhi Mere Pati Kahte Hai Tumhari Didi Jyada Maja Deti Hai

Smart Chuha

Chuha ped pe chad gaya.

Monkey : ped pe kyun aaya.

Chuha : arre chiku khane aya hu yaar.

Monkey : chodu ye toh aam ka ped hai.

Chuha : zindagi me ek baat yad rakhna bhosdike, majdoor ko khodna aur baap ko chodna mat sikha..

main chiku sath laya hu lavde..

Bapu

Okies
Bapu is back again,

Bapu being intrviewd at U.K Embassy !
CONSULATE: Your name please..?
Bapu: jorubha !
CONSL: Sex ?
Bapu : Minimum Ten times a week...!
CONSL : I mean male or female
Bapu : Both male/female & sometimes buffelo, also...!
CONSUL : U seem Ugly !
Bapu : Yes Ugly & Pichli both sides
CONSL : Freaky Ass...!
Bapu : Yes sometimes free ki Ass sometimes have to pay...!
CONSL : Man are you HOSTILE...???
Bapu : Well ! Horse style , Doggy style, Free Style, any style...!
Consl : Oh' dear !
Bapu : Deer...?? No , No.. No deer, they run very fast...!!...

Driver

Bus drivr k piche baitha bachcha bakwas kar raha tha:-
Agar meri maa hathni hoti aur baap hathi to main chhota hathi hota..
Agar meri maa cow aur baap bull hota to main chhota bull hota..
Bachche se pareshan ho kar gusse me driver bola:-
Agar teri maa randi aur baap bhadwa hota to tu kya hota?
Bachha:-To main Bus Driver hota bhosdike,
chup chap bus chala,
chutiya sala..

Jaban

1 Srdr bete ki shadi tay kar k ghar aya to dekha ki  beta 1 ladki ki chut chat rha tha !
Srdr ne ladkiwale ko phone kiya Sory, bete ne kisi ko jaban dedi he !

Congress V/s Bajap

Lok Sabha, a Congress MP during his speech told a story.....

"There was a father who gave 100 rupees each to his 3 sons and asked them to buy things and fill up a room completely.

First son bought hay for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

Second son bought cotton for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

Third son bought a candle for Rs. 1 and lit it up and the room was filled with light completely."

The MP added

"Our Prime Minister is like the third son. Since the day he has taken charge of his office, our country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"

A voice from the BJP side asked:

"Woh sab toh theek hai...
Where are the remaining Rs. 99" ??! ��

Monkey and his ass

One of the most Epic joke:
.
.
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the
... bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some
sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's
amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and
said, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't
worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill,
paid for the stuff the monkey ate and
left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and
had his monkey with him. He ordered a
drink and the monkey started running
around the bar. The monkey found a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it
out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and
again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out
and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what
that filthy ape just did?"
"No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry
and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled
them out and ate them."
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever
since he had to shit out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

Penis Gift

Secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a Thank you note on email.
Bosses wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court.
The mail says:
"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order &
it is equally good on both sides.
I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
At last it is mine and mine for ever.
Thanks a lot"

Moral: space is an essential part in English and married life too....��

Delhi Aa Gaya

Train me baithi Ladki ne platform par
khade Ladke se pucha:
"Kaun sa station hai ye??
.
.
.
.
.
Ladka:
"Ek kiss degi tab hi bataunga.. 
.
.
Ladki:
"Hey Bhagwan! Matlab DELHI aa GAYA" ��

Google

Aurangzeb-Senapati batao, hum Shivaji ko kyon nahi dhoond paa rahe hain? Senapati-Kyon ki Janabe Ali Hum Mugal Hain , google nahi !

Phone Sex

Boy texts his gf: kal date pe tum mujhe kiss do gi?

Girl: nahi kisi ne dekh liya toh?

Boy: koi nahi dekhega.. bharosa rakho mujh per

Girl: Ok de dungi

Boy: Boobs choosne dogi?

Girl: ok choos lena

After 20 mints

boy texts: yeh sab galat hai... main tumhe touch bhi nahi karna chahta.......

Girl:

mujhe pata hai tune muth maar li hai kutte :p>=)

Altafbhai

Altaf bhai ke area mein Rape ho gaya.

Jis ladke ne Rape kiya usko Altaf bhai ke paas laya gaya.

Altaf: Ye apun ka area hai, yeh jaante hue bhi tune rape kiya?

Boy: Sorry galti ho gayi.

Altaf: Accha ye sab kaise hua?

Boy: Usne apun ko ishare se upar bulaya. Apun gaya to usne ghar ka gate band kara.

Altaf: Fir?

Boy: Woh boli,Oye chikne meri pyas bujha de!

Altaf: Fir?

Boy: Apun ne socha ki Altaf bhai ka area hai lafda nahi karne ka.

Altaf: Fir?

Boy: Apun bola 1-2 kiss karega, suck bhi karega, lekin fuck nahi, akhir Altaf bhai ka

area hai.

Altaf: Fir?

Boy: Usne meri pant utar di fir apne kapde utarne lagi.

Altaf: (being excited) Fir?

Boy: Usne apni jeans & top utar di aur fir bra & panty bhi,apun to mast ho gaya,

lekin socha ki altaf bhai ka area hai.

Altaf: (fully excitd) Fir?

Boy: Apun ne uske lips pe kiss kiya & boobs suck karne laga but dimag mein tha ki altaf bhai ka area hai..

Altaf (out of control): Fir?

Boy: Apun aage badhne wala tha lekin socha ki Altaf bhai ka area.

Altaf: Abe Altaf bhai gaya bhosde me...

Boy: Bhai.. Mein bhi yahi socha aur dal diya !

Wedding

What do u call a group of ppl where two ppl are thinking of sex and all other are thinking of food????

"A wedding"....;)

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods.Curious, he followed
the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy,  I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off
her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell
his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then
he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing
the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just bloody well shut up and listen to
the whole story before you interrupt!

Chudel

A Lady buy New SimCard.

To Surprise Husband, She goes to the Kitchen & Calls
"HI JAANU".

Husband Says "Call You Later Dear.
Chudel Kitchen Me He.

Balcony

A couple living

in a small house,,

wanted to have sex

without their son

knowing about it ¤

They

started having

sex in bedroom,,

n asked their son

to stand in balcony,,

and keep telling them

wats going on outside ¤

Son : Tina is playing

John is buying fruits

Watchman is dozing

and Micheal uncle

is fucking his wife..

Dad : Wat !

Can you see him !

Is he doing it openly !

Son : No..

Dad : Then

how can u tell ?

Son : His son

is also standing

in the balcony...