Sunday 25 August 2013

Costly

Beat this .... Too good
Market me ekdum naya hai...

Girl-Mere b'day par mujhe bahut costly gift dena
.
Boy-OK.
.
On the b'day
Boy- ur gift!
Girl-how sweet isme kya hai ?
Boy-PETROL me tale hue PYAAZ ke Pakode..��

Love Letter

Lawyer's Love Letter!
*************************
Ever wondered how a lawyer could write a love letter to his girlfriend? To .....,

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms ......,
1. That I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 7th of August (Wednesday).

2. That with reference to the meeting held between us on the 11th of Aug. at 15:00hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

3. That our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

4. That needless to say and of course, upon completion of probation, I propose that there will be a continuous 'on the job training' and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

5. That I propose that the expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.

6. That I further propose that later, based on our mutual performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

7. That however I am broad-minded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

8. That I humbly request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

9. That I wish to add here that I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation.

Please reply if you desire so...
Yours sincerely,

Mr. ...
Adv for y

Onion

Manapurram opens new branch as...
"Manapurram Onion Loan"... Jab Ghar me pada ho kanda fir kaheka wanda...  

Dollar

Dollar crossed Sonia's age.... Now heading to Manmohan's age!

Fight

After the fight... She: Tum mujhe manaate hi nahin!
He: Tum kya ho? Diwali ho? Ya Holi?

Many


Meri be bas aankho mein Kabhi gor se dekhna!!

Milenge tujhe laakho unkahe afsaane!!!!
Arz kiya hai:

mujh mein himmat nahi hai ke apni dastan-ae-zindagi suna saku,

bus itna jaan lijiye, jisne bhi dil toda, jee bhar ke toda.
�� Umeed Na Rakhna Kisi Se Sacche Pyaar Ki Doston. Bade Pyaar Se Dhoka Dete Hain Shiddat Se Chahne Wale.......��
�� "Kitni Azeeb Hai Mere Andar Ki Tanhai Bhi Dekho Na,
.
Hazaron Apne Hain,
.
Magar Fir Bhi Yaad Tumhi Aatey Ho!" ��
Tumhara Naam Likhane Ki Ijaazat Chin Gai JabSe.. ae jaan...Koi Bhi Lafaz Likhata Hu To Ankhen Bheeg Jati Hain
Aaj zarurat hai jiski voh paas nahi hai.. Ab unke DIL mein voh ehsaas nahi hai... Tadapte hain do pal baat karne ko.. Shaayad ab waqt hmaare liye unke paas nahi hai
�� "Uffff Woh Narma Labon Ka Dheerey Say Kehna,
.
Koi Dekh Na Ley,
.
Ab Mujhey Janey Do!" ��

Men will be Men

Q.1 who is a gynacologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure!

2)Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop

3)Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you position your ass and then move your legs.
To ride a woman you position your legs and then move your ass

4)Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

5)Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own

6)Q: What's common between men and video player?
A: Both go backward...forward.backward...forward...stop and eject

7)Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come means You are FUCKED

What men Love in BOOBS is precisely what they Hate in cheques ...
.
.
.
.
Bouncing.

Viagra

A lady went to Doctor 4 help on her sex life.
Dr: Give ur husband Viagra.
Lady: I can't he hates pills.
Dr: Just put it in his coffee.
Next week she came unhappy.
Dr: Was it good?
Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had, he had a few sips of  coffee then he pushed everything off the table and  fucked me right there on the table.
Dr: Well, what's wrong??
Lady: I ll nvr b able 2 show my face in Cafe Coffee Day again..!!
A lot can happen over a coffee

Laura

Skoda laura is an excellent car.

But people who have bought it are facing some
very embarrasing moments.

For example.

Client to bank manager."sirji ek laura finance
karana tha.laure pe interest kya chal raha hai.

After taking delivery. Wife ne laura ki arti
utari.aur phir pura parivar laure pe bait ke
icecream khane gaya.

Malkin. To driver-*Driver laura nikalo.

driver to malik- *sahab laura dho doon

And last but not not the least
Neighbours :-
Bete ki baraat to sharma ji ke laure pe
nikalunga.kyu sharmaji! Aapko koi takleef to
nahi hogi !!!!!

Love

Masturbate hard in the name of her. After ejaculation, see her photograph again. If you still miss her, marry her.

Wife

Msg to wife.....

Meri piyari Begam,
Sawaal kuchh bhi ho,
Jawab tum hi ho.
Rasta koi bhi ho,
Manzil tum hi ho.
Dukh kitna hi ho,
Khushi tum hi ho.
Armaan kitna hi ho,
Aarzu tum hi ho.
Gussa jitna bhi ho,
Pyar tum hi ho.
Khwab koi bhi ho,
Taqdeer tum hi ho.
Yaani aisa samjho ki,
Fasaad Kuch bhi ho,
Saare fasaad ki jadd,
Sirf tum hi ho..

Dollar Vs Rupee

Real story of American Dollar v/s Indian Rupee
(Very Interesting Article MUST SHARE)

An Advice to all who are worrying about fall of Indian Rupee

Throughout the country please stop using cars except for emergency for only seven days (Just 7 days)
Definitely Dollar rate will come down. This is true. The value to dollar is given by petrol only.This is called Derivative Trading. America has stopped valuing its Dollar with Gold 70 years ago.

Americans understood that Petrol is equally valuable as Gold so they made Agreement with all the Middle East countries to sell petrol in Dollars only. That is why Americans print their Dollar as legal tender for debts. This mean if you don't like their American Dollar and go to their Governor and ask for repayment in form of Gold,as in India they won't give you Gold.

You observe Indian Rupee, " I promise to pay the bearer..." is clearly printed along with the signature of Reserve Bank Governor. This mean, if you don't like Indian Rupee and ask for repayment,Reserve Bank of India will pay you back an equal value of gold.(Actually there may be minor differences in the Transaction dealing rules, but for easy comprehension I am explaining this)

Let us see an example. Indian petroleum minister goes to Middle East country to purchase petrol, the Middle East petrol bunk people will say that liter petrol is one Dollar.
But Indians won't have dollars. They have Indian Rupees. So what to do now? So That Indian Minister will ask America to give Dollars. American Federal Reserve will take a white paper , print Dollars on it and give it to the Indian Minister. Like this we get dollars , pay it to petrol bunks and buy petrol.

But there is a fraud here. If you change your mind and want to give back the Dollars to America we can't demand them to pay Gold in return for the Dollars. They will say " Have we promised to return something back to you? Haven't you checked the Dollar ? We clearly printed on the Dollar that it is Debt"
So, Americans don't need any Gold with them to print Dollars. They will print Dollars on white papers as they like.

But what will Americans give to the Middle East countries for selling petrol in Dollars only?

Middle East kings pay rent to America for protecting their kings and heirs. Similarly they are still paying back the Debt to America for constructing Roads and Buildings in their countries. This is the value of American Dollar. That is why Many say some day the Dollar will be destroyed.

At present the problem of India is the result of buying those American Dollars. American white papers are equal to Indian Gold. So if we reduce the consumption of petrol and cars, Dollar will come down

The Above Details are translated originally from Telugu Language to English by Radhika Gr.
Kindly share this and make everyone aware of the facts of American Dollar V/s Indian Rupee.

And here is a small thing other than petrol , what we can do to our Indian Rupee

YOU CAN MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE TO THE INDIAN ECONOMY BY FOLLOWING FEW SIMPLE STEPS:-

Please spare a couple of minutes here for the sake of India.
Here's a small example:-

At 2008 August month 1 US $ = INR Rs 39.40
At 2013 August now 1 $ = INR Rs 62

Do you think US Economy is booming? No, but Indian Economy is Going Down.

Our economy is in your hands.INDIAN economy is in a crisis. Our country like many other ASIAN countries, is undergoing a severe economic crunch. Many INDIAN industries are closing down. The INDIAN economy is in a crisis and if we do not take proper steps to control those, we will be in a critical situation. More than 30,000 crore rupees of foreign exchange are being siphoned out of our country on products such as cosmetics, snacks, tea, beverages, etc. which are grown, produced and consumed here.

A cold drink that costs only 70 / 80 paise to produce, is sold for Rs.9 and a major chunk of profits from these are sent abroad. This is a serious drain on INDIAN economy. We have nothing against Multinational companies, but to protect our own interest we request everybody to use INDIAN products only at least for the next two years. With the rise in petrol prices, if we do not do this, the Rupee will devalue further and we will end up paying much more for the same products in the near future.

What you can do about it?
Buy only products manufactured by WHOLLY INDIAN COMPANIES.Each individual should become a leader for this awareness. This is the only way to save our country from severe economic crisis. You don't need to give-up your lifestyle. You just need to choose an alternate product.

Daily products which are COLD DRINKS,BATHING SOAP ,TOOTH PASTE,TOOTH BRUSH ,SHAVING CREAM,BLADE, TALCUM POWDER ,MILK POWDER ,SHAMPOO , Food Items etc. all you need to do is buy Indian Goods and Make sure Indian rupee is not crossing outside India.

Every INDIAN product you buy makes a big difference. It saves INDIA. Let us take a firm decision today.

we are not anti-multinational. we are trying to save our nation. every day is a struggle for a real freedom. we achieved our independence after losing many lives.
they died painfully to ensure that we live peacefully. the current trend is very threatening.

multinationals call it globalization of indian economy. for indians like you and me, it is re-colonizationof india. the colonist's left india then. but this time, they will make sure they don't make any mistakes.

russia, s.korea, mexico - the list is very long!! let us learn from their experience and from our history. let us do the duty of every true indian. finally, it's obvious that you can't give up all of the items mentioned above. so give up at least one item for the sake of our country!

We would be sending useless forwards to our friends daily. Instead, please forward this to all your friends to create awareness.

Many Many

Mulaqat bhi kabhi aasu de jati hai, Nazre bhi kabhi dhoka de jati hai, Guzre huye lamho ko yaad karke dekhiye, Tanhayi bhi kabhi sukun de jati hai.


Dur gaon mein jab raat ko baccha nahi sota hai,

to uski Maa kehti hai, "Soja Beta Soja, Varna, Dusra kaise hoga??"


Hamari zindagi bhi sookhey hue patton ki tarah hai,
Kisi ne sameta bhi to jalane ke liye !!!
WO naqab laga kar Ishq se khud ko mahfuz samjhte rahe !!!

NADAN itna Bhi nahi samjhte ki Ishq chehre se nahi AANKHON se Hota hai


आज का सुविचार:
कठोरता 'हृदय' में नहीं 'लिंग' में रखिए,
...
काम आएगी।

Dekhna main tumhe kahin bhool hi na
jaaun...,
                                                                     Itne muddaton tak koi khafa nahi
rahta.......

गुल गई गुलशन गई, गई होंठो की लाली,

अब तो मेरा पीछा छोड़, तू हो गई बचो वाली.



Kamaal Ka hosla diya rabb ne hum INSANO ko..
.

.

Waqif hum agle pal se nhi aur hum WAADE janmo ke kr lete hai..!!

Sehzada

Dukhi girlfriend ne apne bewafa boyfriend ke liye shayari likhi:

Phoolon ka raja.., baharon ka shehzada..;

32 ko 36 karke chala gaya haramzada... :p

Many

Le vaanch aa pehla
Sardar continued...

Sardar called customer care:- Ji meri Bhais mera sim khaa gayi h & bhag gayi.
Customer care:- To hum kya kare..?
Sardar:- Ji ye puchna tha ke roming to nahi legegi..?

��������
Sardar road pe potty kar raha tha.
Police ne use pakad liya.
Jab use le jaane lage to sardar bola kanoon ke rakhwalon, saboot to utha lo...
��������

Sardar:- Yaar toothbrush dena mere brush ka 1 baal toot gaya h.
Dukardar:- 1 baal toota to naya Q le rahe ho.
Sardar:- Jo tuta h wo akhiri tha...
��������
Sardar:- Bhai 2 ticket dena.
Conductor:- 2 kyu.
Sardar:- 1 kho jaye to dusra kaam ayega.
Conductor:- Agar dono kho gaye to.
Sardar:- Abe fir paas kab kaam ayega.
����������

Sardarji jab exam dene gaye to wo apne saath plumber ko kyun le gaye..?
Kyunki sardarji ko khabar mili thi ki paper leek ho gaya h...
����������

Sardar flight me pilot ka
headphone cheen raha tha.
Pilot:-Ye kya kar rahe ho..?
Sardar:- Accha ji Ticket hum le aur Gaane tum suno...
������������

Sardarni:- Please bike tez na chalao mujhe dar lag raha hai.
Sardar:- Agar tujhe bhi dar lag raha h to meri tarah ankhein band kar le...
��������

Sardar ko chand par bhejne ka faisla hua.
Aadhe raste jakar sardar rocket se kood gaya or chillaya
"kamino aaj to amawasya h, chand to hoga hi nahi...
��������

1 Sardar ko exam me koi sawal nahi aata tha to sardar ne har sawal ke neche |||||||||| lines laga di or likha Scratch kar ke answer padh lo...
��������

Sardar ne apni wife ko 1 whisky ka peg diya to wife:- Chhiiii !! kitna kadva h.
Sardar:- Aur tu sochti h main roz Ash karta hu...
��������

1 bar 300 sardar ship me travel kar rahe the lekin sare maar gaye.
Kese..?
Ship bichme khrab hua to dhaka dene niche uter gaye...
��������

Eak Sardar jungle se ja rha tha to 1 chudail ne use rok ke kha:-
Hu Hu
Ha Ha Ha... Rukja main chudail hu.
Sardar:- Mainu pata h. Teri 1 behan mere naal hi vyaahi hai.
��������

Eak Sardar hotel me murga khane gaya lekin murge ka english word bhul gaya.
Waiter:- What do u like to
have sir.?
Sardar:- 1 Plate Egg's father...
��������

Sardar plane land hote hi chillane laga:- Banglore aya Banglore, Balle balle.
Air hostess:- Hello sir be silent. Plz
Sardar:- Ok, anglore aya anglore,alle alle.
��������

Sardar:- Tum kitne saal se jalebi bana rahe ho..?
Halwai:- 30 saal se.
Sardar:- Badi sharm ki baat h tum se aaj tak jalebi sidhi nahi bani.
��������

Sardar wrong side car chala rha tha to bola:-
O shit, Aaj phir late ho gaya sare log wapas jaa rahe hai...
��������

Sardar 1st time plane me baitha. Jaise hi plane ka agla tyre upar utha sardar pilot ko maarne laga aur
bola:-
Saale main pehle hi dara hua hu or tu stunt maar rha hai.
��������

Biwi:- Jab se hum dono ka divorce hua h tab se tum roz mere ghar ke samne potty kyon kar jate ho.
Sardar:- Tumko ye btane ke tere bina main bhookha nahi maar raha hu.
��������

Sardar ne 1 aadmi ko jordar tamacha maar diya.
Aadmi:- Maine kya galti ki hai?
Sardar:- Tum saale galti karo, uske liye hum intezaar thodi karenge.


Small Things

Wisdom of the day:
Learn to be happy with small things in life, beacuse big ones are usually artificial.
~ Pamela Anderson

Ka ma sutra

A new kamasutra position has been discovered. It is called 'Manmohan'. In it you climb onto the top and then do nothing.

Congress

Here's a new one ....
Congress should rename gurgaon to jamaica ...
Coz most of the land  is jamai ka ...

Sunbathe

A man sunbathes nude and ends up burning his penis.  
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of cold milk.
His blonde girlfriend comes home and finds him with his penis in a cup of cold milk. 
'Good heavens', she remarks, 'I alwys wondered how you guys reload these things!

Girl

If a man is allowed to select a girl from 100 girls and even if he picks the most beautiful girl, he still FEELS the PAIN of
losing the remaining NINETY NINE.

Yet women say men don't have FEELINGS

Expensive

Most expensive reply of 2013...
Mom: Son, where are you going?

Son: Going to buy onions through dollars in a petrol car..

Dedka

Varsaad ma damar na road dhovai gaya...

wah wah.!

Varsaad ma damar na road dhovai gaya..
wah wah.!

Koina msg nathi aavta,badha dedka kya khovai gaya.

Friday 23 August 2013

PJs Best

NEW BLOCKED PJ's


Boy : Whats your Name??
Girl: Palak and you
Boy: Paneer
*BLOCKED!!!*
.
Girl : Hello i am khusbu
Boy : khusbu ka dusra naam bharosa
agarbati....kone kone me khusbu faila
de
**blocked**
.
Boy:hi, wats ur name??
Girl: its Neha Singhal.
Boy: oh. . M also Single.
*blocked*
.
Girl: What's Up?
Boy: Uttar Pradesh...
*gets blocked*
.
Girl : tu soya hai...??
Boy : Nahi...! Schezwan hu..!
*Gets Blocked Instantly*
.
Girl: I'm free tommorow!
Boy: pehle kya paid thi??
*GETS BLOCKED*
.
Boy: aaj mausam achha h mall chalte h.
Girl: waha kya karenge??
Boy: hawan karenge, hawan karenge.
*blocked*
.
Girl : see ya!
Boy: var Ram chandra ki jay..!
Blocked*
.
Girl: Have a Good Day....
Boy: No thank you... I like Parle-G
more...
*BLOCKED*
.
Girl: I need some Space.
Boy: Ok then go to Rahul Gandhi's
forehead.
*Blocked*
.
Girl puts up her status :" waiting for
CHENNAI EXPRESS "…
Boy: COOLIE hai kya? ?
*Blocked*
.
Boy- Thank you
Girl-My pleasure
Boy- My Bajaj Pulsar
*Reported as spam*
*Blocked Forever*

Sex can do

WHAT SEX CAN DO...!
1. It makes some people religious: Oh God! Oh My
God! Yes! God!
2. It gives some people their first musical lesson:
mmmm...aaaahh...ooooh...aaahhh
3. Makes some people natural competitors: Ffaaast!
Fasterrr! Yeah fasterrr!
4. It makes some people announce their own obituary:
Ahh you are killing me! I'm dead! I'm finished!
You'll kill me!
5. It makes some ladies become terrorists: Destroy
it! Don't show any damn mercy! Just tear it apart!
Don't do it with mercy! I am not your sister. Do it
harderrr...HARDER!
6. Others become respectful: Give it to me please..
please ... mmm... please I'm begging
7. Some show sudden loyalty: I love you! You are my
life! I'm yours forever! You are the best! Say
whatever you want. Jack me any how and it's yours!
8. Makes some people become beggars: Yeah please
don't stop! Please I beg in God's name give it to me!
Funny thing sex is... =))

Gf

Very emotional msg
Gf- I am pregnant��
Bf- r u sure ki ye mera hai?
Gf (crying)-yaar sab log aise bologe to kaise chalega????????

Sunday 4 August 2013

Resort

A lonely woman checked into a resort and decided to call one of the numbers she'd seen advertising regarding male escort services and sensual massages. She flipped through the phone book, found an ad with a picture of a particularly strapping young man and picked up the phone. "Hello?" a male voice answered."How may I help you?"
"I hear you give a great massage,and I'd really like to experience one," the woman said. "Well,actually, I should just be straight with you. I'm in town, I'm all aloneand what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys, rubber,leather,whips and everythingyou've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up and cover me inchocolate syrup and whipped cream. I want to do it all. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great," the
man replied, "but you need to press 9 to make an outside call...this is hotel reception" 

Boyz

Girl 1: I am in love

Girl 2: who is he??

Girl 3: ��how does he look?
  
Girl 4: ��wat color?

Girl 5: how tall is he??

Girl 6:�� wat is he doing?

Girl 7: ��who r his frnds?

Girl 8: ��total wealth?

After full inspection

All Girls: Be careful he might be a bad guy.

Girl1: ��OK.
.
.
.
Same situation

Boy 1: I am in love

Boy 2:Thoka?
Boy 3:Thoka?
Boy 4:Thoka?
Boy 5:Thoka?
Boy 6:Thoka?
Boy 7:Thoka?
Boy 8:Thoka?

Boy 1: nahi sirf dabaye
��

Many

Cute Sardars !! 
SARDAR APNI SISTER KE SAATH BIKE PE JA RAHA THA.
BOY: OH! PAAJIj GIRLFRIEND K SAATH KAHA JA RAHE HO

SARDAR: OYE ! GIRLFRIEND HOGI TERI MERI TO SISTER HAI.

����������

Sardar ka Padosi Mar Gaya:
Wo Uske Ghar Gaya or Pucha: Body Aa Gai Kya?
Tabhi Body Lekar Ambulance Aa Gayi.
Sardar: Lo Batao,
Kitni Lambi Umar Hai. :)
����������
※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※

Sardar Ki Ma Ki Death Ho Gai,
Ek Saal Bad Sardar Ka Baap America Se Wapis Aya, Us Ne Pucha Teri Ma Kahan Hai,
Sardar Bola Woh To Pichlay Saal Hi Mar Gai Thi, Sardar Ka Baap Rone Laga Or Bola Kuttay,
Kaminay To Tune Mujhay Btaya Q Nhi, Sardar Bola-
Me Ne Socha Surprise DunGa..

������

Once a sardar calls another sardar on the phone and says 'Hi, Main bol Raha Hoon'.
The other sardar replies 'Oye Kamaal Hai Yaar, Ithe Vi Main Bol Raha Hoon!'

��������������������

SARDAR and HIS WIFE GOING 2 CITY IN AUTO....
DRIVER ADJUSTED MIRROR..
SARDARJI SHOUTED U R SEEING MY WIFE...

GO and SIT BACK I WILL DRIVE THE AUTO.

Work

WORK PRESSURE... ❄
________________________________________
Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys..
_________________________________________
Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants . And as I finished..
I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand..
_________________________________________
Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, “Why is she not attending the weekly status call?”��
_________________________________________
I don’t login to facebook, yahoo, gmail, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home… thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize – I am at home.��
_________________________________________
Yeah sometimes it does happens with me also. keeping hands in front of tap waiting for water to drop by itself is very frequent with me. I just forget that we have to turn on and off the tap….��
________________________________________
Once after talking to one of my friends
I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye…in case of any issues wilB- u back"
_________________________________________
Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it’s in the recycle bin !�� _________________________________________
_________________________________________
And I – after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen…

So avoid working so hard!
Have a great work-life balance...

Insult

Classic Insult :
.
.
:

Once a boy Uploaded a photo
holding a dog on Facebook.. .
Girl commented : "Which one
is you?"

.

Boy replied : "The One
holding you.." . 

Girl : Huhh!!! >:
����

FBI

Job at the FBI :

The FBI had an opening for an assassin & after all the background checks,  interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; 2 men and 1 woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.. . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun & went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Now, it was the woman's turn, She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun & went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with fake bullets ' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair... 

Moment

Whats the most embarassing moment ever??
.
When one of your female frends calls u on a sweet sunday morning,
And your grandma pics up the call and says
.
.
.
.
"BETA E TO SANDAAS GAYO CHE THODI VAAR LAGSE 

Nitrate

Chemistry ki class mein Sir ne 1 Ladki se poocha!
"What is Nitrate ?"

Ladki sharma kar boli
Kya sir, aap bhi na qasam se ekdum direct ho jaate ho 

Night Rate is 5000/-  sirf aap k liye........
��

Gaand

Joke of Ganpat Rai...

This is the ultimate ...you would almost die laughing!!

Due to the way our Hindi was pronounced by the Britishers and the Anglo Indians too, this actually comes across as a bit 'dirty' but if you try hard and get the accent right, you will have a laugh!!

Poor Bihari villager named GANPAT-RAI (who really needs a job) is being interviewed by Britisher Colonel Smith

Col.Smith: Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat-Rai)!!

Bihari: Nahi sir, jyada nahi!! (very nervously)

Col. Smith: Kya 'jyada nahi' bolta hai, tumhara application mein likha hua hai Gand fat rahai (in anger)

Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga (innocently surrendered under the accented understanding)

Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai...??
(tum delhi me rahta hai)?? (general enquiry)

Bihari: Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi! (very innocently)

Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo, kya 'kabhi kabhi' bolta hai...Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum daily marata hai.(yet again, enquiry in anger)

Bihari : Theek hai mai baap, likha hai to marata honga.

The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col.Smith's family asks him to do. (innocently surrendered under the accented understanding)

Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!

Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.

Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai

Ganpatrai : Hukum Sarkaar

Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari biwi ko chodo (drop her off)... baad mein hamaari beti ko chodo... aur uske baad mein hum ko chodo. (delieverables for the day)

Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, aapki biwi aur beti to theek hai, lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.
(hmmm, yeh kya karne ko bol raha hai angrej ki aulad )

Col.Smith: Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega. (angry )

Ganpatrai : Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.
(na, mere maalik na )

Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumko nokri se nikaal denga. (naukri daaav par lag gayee hai ab to !)

Ganpatrai : Theek hai sarkaar ....jo hukum. (finally wilfully surendered)

After a few minutes  Col.Smith's wife is alone in her bedroom. While wearing her bra she is unable to tie the knot behind. So......

Wife : Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?

Ganpatrai : Ji Maalkin.

Wife : Gand fatrahai, hamara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro- tie the bra knot)

Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai....Maalkin??

Wife : Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.

Ganpatrai: Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Sarkar ne to chodne ke liye kaha tha...Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kacha kha jayenge.

Wife: Gand fatrahai, pahle gaand maro phir chodna.. Aur agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.

Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum.

Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time starts like a bull.

Panic striken the wife tries to turn and shouts...
GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI !!!

Ganpatrai : Memsaab...
gaand maarega to gaand to phatega he.....

Patel

Three accountants were in the bathroom, standing at the urinals.

The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully.
He used 3 paper towels and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
Turning to the other two accountants, he said, "At Ernst and Young, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands.
He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turned and said, "At KPMG, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third accountant finished, pulled up his zipper and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder,
"At Patel & Shah, we don't piss on our hands." 

Hospital

A man who is dying in the hospital  is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.    Says to his eldest son:  - To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.  - To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.    - To you, Charlie,  being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.   - And you, my dear wife,  the three residential buildings towers in downtown.  The nurse, impressed, tells his wife:  Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties!  You all are so lucky!!  And the wife retorts:     Rich??? Lucky???  Are you kidding !!?? Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!

Men

Men will be Men-
The wife left a note on the fridge:
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mom's place !!
"Husband opened the fridge,the beer was cold. He starts to drink one and says  "What the hell was she talking about??? Fridge is working fine!!

Wife

����
How to keep a wife happy . . . .

It's really not difficult to make a wife happy.
A husband only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a bug exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favorite color
* her favorite flower
* her favorite gem
* her favorite fragrance
* her favorite memories
* her favorite holidays
* her favorite friends
* her favorite vacation destinations
* her favorite beverage
* her favorite food
* her favorite restaurant
* any arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A HUSBAND HAPPY

Just leave him alone..... And he'll be just fine.

Sex questions

A few sarcastic yet funny replies to sexpert queries frm mumbai mirror:

Q: After having sex four times a day, I feel weak the next day. For about five minutes, my vision goes blank and I can’t see anything properly. Please help.

A: What do you expect? Shouts of hurray and I am a champion all over town?

Q: Is it safe if penis is kept in the vagina when sleeping?

A: Usually when the penis returns to flaccid state, it will slide out of the vagina. Even if does not, be rest assured the vagina will not have it for breakfast.

Q. I am a 36-year-old man. Six months ago I had sex with a housewife. Then, I made as many as 220 strokes in the 40 minus of our intercourse. Today, I could only reach 180 in the same time. Please reply. I am worried.

A: Do take part in the Commonwealth Games since you seem like an athlete. My advice is to enjoy the act and stop counting. Do give a thought to whether you are satisfying your partner or not!

Q: I am a 25-year-old man. My penis is short and small in diameter. When aroused, its size increases to resemble a ¾ inch PVC pipe. I have heard that there are capsules available that help increase the size. Please advise.

A: As plenty of water can pass through a PVC pipe, similarly more than enough semen can pass out of your penis.

Q: I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my girlfriend’s vagina after the intercourse? Will it harm her?

A: Are you a bhel puri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from? There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control. You can consider using a condom.

Many

Dentist: Kya aap "Oral B" Karti ho..??
.
.
Lady: 'oral bhi' Karna padta hai Dr. saab, uske bina inka KHADA hi nahi hota... 
.....................................

Mallika Sheravat ghode pe baithi..

Ghodewala~ Madam ! Ghoda bahut khush hai
Mallika~ Ghoda Ho Ya Lawda, meri do taango k beech jo bhi aata hai khush hi rehta hai

-------------------------

Teacher sent home a note-
Sincere & bright boy but spends too much time with girls

Mother sent a note back-
Please advise solution, Father has same problem...
-----------------------

Mahesh Bhatt to Sunny Leone: What's the difference between being hungry & horny?
Sunny Leone: It depends where I put the cucumber...!

-----------------------
Ejaculation Is Achieved By The Last Stroke, This Doesn't Mean That First Stroke Was Useless.
Achievement Is A Result Of CONTINOUS  EFFORT.

-------------------------
A tie is men's equivalent attire to womens dupatta
.
While the dupatta can hide a woman's assets, the tie is men's way of pointing to where their asset is....

-------------------------
Why is SANIA MIRZA jealous of
SAINA NEHWAL?
Any guesses? No!
.
Because.
MIRZA gets 2play with BALLS,
Whereas NEHWAL plays with COCK!
-------------------------

Son: Mom do you know our maid is an angel?

Mom: Why do u think so ??

Son: I saw her naked with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!"

If it wasn't for dad that was holding her tight from behind..she would have gone to heaven....
-------------------------

If u want to sexually satisfy a woman,
then change position daily...
And
If u want to satisfy yourself, then change woman daily..
---Thailand Tourism Slogan;)

Ladies

Ladies Special...

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there..

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.…„
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
Immediately I rushed to the parking lot,I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, Description of the car, Place I parked etc, I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."����

Engine

A giant ship engine failed. The ship’s owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship’s owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for Rupees ten thousand .

“What?!” the owners exclaimed. “He hardly did anything!”

So they wrote the old man a note saying, “Please send us an itemized bill.”

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer…… ……… ……. Rs. 2.00

Knowing where to tap………. ……… …… Rs. 9, 998.00

Moral: “Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!”

Gujarati

Mr. Rashid masood says delhi me khana 5/- ka hai
Raj babbar says mumbai me khana 12/- ka

Jigness ko naya bijness mil gaya

Delhi se 5/- ka khana lake mumbai me 12/- me bech dega

Afterall jignes knows bijnes!! Gujjus Roksxx!!

Marriages

Some global opinions on marriages..

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Mike Tyson

The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?
- George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!
- Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Shaquille O'Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..
- Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married?? Anything I wanted to.
- David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Tommy Leep

Bangkok

Bankok special...
..
..
..
Ek baar ek aadmi BANGKOK jaa raha tha..
uski wife ne.. naa chaahte huye bhi usse jaane ki permission dedi...

Jis din wo ghar se nikal raha tha..
jaate jaate usko wife ne bulaaya aur 12 condoms ka packet dekar boli.. "isse rakh lo mann ho gaya to .........."

Aadmi�� khush ho jata hai aur �� sochta hai.. "waah kya biwi mili hai..."
Achaanak uski wife awaaz de kar usko fir bulati hai aur kehti hai..�� "ruko, usme se 2 mujhe de do.., kahi mera mann ho gaya to ........."
.......
.......
.......
Trip Cancelled

Letter

Sardarji's Mom's Letter

Dear Banta
Vahe  Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm  writing this letter slowly, because I know you  cannot read fast.

We  don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in  the newspaper  that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved  20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who  stayed here  took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have  to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able  to bring  our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain  same too.

This  place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated  right above  the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3  shirts, pulled  the chain and haven't seen them since.

The  weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The  first time  it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The  coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little  too heavy  to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off  and put  them in the pocket.

Your  father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting  the grass  at the cemetery.

By  the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is  really badmash.  He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in  this club.  We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your  sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is  a girl  or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or  Uncle.

Your  uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him  out, but  he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he  burned for  three days.

Your  best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill  his father's  last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after  he died.  And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for  his father.

There  isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has  happened.

P.S:  Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized,  I had  already sealed off this letter.
In a bus a man asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him: You have applied a nice perfume .. which is that? ????
I want to give it to my wife.

Lady: Don't give it to her ...
Some faltu men will find an excuse to talk to her....=)) X_X��

Many

A few sarcastic yet funny replies to sexpert queries frm mumbai mirror:

Q: After having sex four times a day, I feel weak the next day. For about five minutes, my vision goes blank and I can't see anything properly. Please help.

A: What do you expect? Shouts of hurray and I am a champion all over town?

Q: Is it safe if penis is kept in the vagina when sleeping?

A: Usually when the penis returns to flaccid state, it will slide out of the vagina. Even if does not, be rest assured the vagina will not have it for breakfast.

Q. I am a 36-year-old man. Six months ago I had sex with a housewife. Then, I made as many as 220 strokes in the 40 minus of our intercourse. Today, I could only reach 180 in the same time. Please reply. I am worried.

A: Do take part in the Commonwealth Games since you seem like an athlete. My advice is to enjoy the act and stop counting. Do give a thought to whether you are satisfying your partner or not!

Q: I am a 25-year-old man. My penis is short and small in diameter. When aroused, its size increases to resemble a ¾ inch PVC pipe. I have heard that there are capsules available that help increase the size. Please advise.

A: As plenty of water can pass through a PVC pipe, similarly more than enough semen can pass out of your penis.

Q: I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my girlfriend's vagina after the intercourse? Will it harm her?

A: Are you a bhel puri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from? There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control.
You can consider using a condom.
Clevage is the universal currency - A girl who knows how to use it is the best entrepreneur in the world.
I don't know what Rs 5 can do now, but
had Rajiv Gandhi spent Rs 1 on Condoms in 1970,
things would have been very different today....


Bapu e Match ma 35 run kari ne hawa ma Bat unchu karyu.

Umpre: It's not 50 or 100...??

Bapu : Tu mungo mar,
"Passing Mark" ni Kimmat amara jeva  j samji sake...
EK CHOKRI
EK CHHOKRA NE GHARE LAI GAI.

CHHOKRA NE POTANA ROOM MA BOLAVI NE ROOM BANDH KARYO.

BED PAR BANNE BETHA..

CHADAR OODHI LIDHI ...

LIGHT BANDH KARI..

ANE BOLI ...

JO MARA BAPA RADIAM VALI GHADIYAL LAVYA !!!

Chhokro : Tari mani bhosh ma nakh

Dosti

Dosti BOBLA nathi k DABAI jay.
Dosti LUND nathi k DHILO thai jay.
Dosti GAND nathi k FATI jay.
Dosti to CHUT 6e mara dost.
Jem VAPRAY em UNDI ne UNDI thati jay. Happy frndship day

Circle

What is Vicious Circle???

The boss calls his secretary & says:
"Get ready for d weekend, We r going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband & says:
"Me & my boss r going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of urself"

The husband calls his girlfriend & says:
"My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun"

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition:  "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father:
"Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary & says:  "Business trip is cancelled.
I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson"

The secretary calls husband:
"I won't be going"

The husband calls his girlfriend:
"I am sorry My wife is not going "

The girlfriend calls boy:
"You have tuition"

Boy calls his grandpa & says:
"Sorry grandpa I've classes"
.

.

.

.

.

.

.
The grandpa calls secretary .....

Gujju

Gujju man:  Hey!  Wht's ur name?
.
Lady: Diana Penty. And u?
.
Gujju: Jignesh Jaangiyo....!!!
  

Laws

Various laws that are applicable in day to day life.....

�� Law of equality :

The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 min is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll cal u in 5 min!��
�� Law of Telephone:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.��
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
�� Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
�� Law of Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
�� Theatre Rule:

People with the seats at the farthest from the screen arrive last. ��
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
�� Law of Proposal :

After u accept a proposal you will get a better one..
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
�� Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold. ��

Bapu

Bapu Car Loan Leva Gaya.
Bapu: Mare Kya Document Aapva Padse.
Manager: Koi j Document Nai, Khali 5 Bapu Na Naam Aapo Jene Loan Bhari Hoy.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Teacher To Bapu: Tari Attendance Bahu Occhi 6 Tu Exam Ma Besi Nai Sake
Bapu: Koi Vandho Nai Gandi, Aapne Evu Abhiman Nai, Aapde To Ubha-Ubha Parixa Apisu.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Driver To Bapu: Bapu Gadi Ma Petrol Khali Thai Gayu Chhe Have Gadi Aagal Nai Jay.
Bapu: O Taari... To Have Pachhi Ghare Java De.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Bapu: Aa Tameta Kem Aapya?
Sakvali: 20 Na 500 . . Bapu: To Halo Ganva Mando.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Teacher: Pani Ma Raheta 5 Vastu Na Naam Bolo?
Bapu: Dedko
Teacher:-Bija 4
Bapu: Dedka Ni Mummy, Dedka Na Papa, Dedkani Sister, Ane Dedkani GirlFrnd.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
1 African Ane Bapu Bhega Thaya.
Bapu: Tamare Tya Azadi Kona Lidhe Mali?
African: Nelson Mandela
Ane Tamare Tya ??
Bapu: Amare Tya Gandhiji Mandela.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
2 Sardar Ne 2 Bomb Malya
1st: Chal Police Ne Dai Aavie.
2nd: Kyank Koi Bomb Rasta Ma Futi Jashe To..!!
1st: Police Ne Khotu Kehshu Ke 1 j Bomb Malyo Hato.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Teacher: Je Manas Ne Banne Hath Na Hoy Tene Hindi Ma & English Ma Shu Kahevay?
Bapu: Hindi Ma Thakur & English Ma Hands Free.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Girl: Hu mari Jaav to.?
Boy: To Hu Gando Thai Javu.
Girl: Tu Beeji Chokri ne Prem kare kharo.?
Boy: Are Gandi, GANDO to game te kare….!!!!!
��

Lawyer

word, taken down.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Condom

Ek Sharabi Pharmacy mein enter hotay hi cheekha:
5 Condom de Oye...

Dukanwala: Sir Kuch Tameez se baat kr k bhi banda cheez maang sakta hai.??

Sharabi ne Jeans ki Zip Kholi, aur bola:
"Mere Shehzaday k liye 5 sherwani dikhaaiye plz!!��

Thailand

Bulldu went to Thailand to try out the sex services.
He asked the lady "How much?"
She said, "$100 for hand job."
"So expensive?".
The lady tk him to windw and asked "Do u see that Porsche there? That's what I earned by my hand"

Bulldu, convinced, decided to try her service. It was great So he askd, "What else can u do?"

The lady said, "For $200 I'll give u a blowjob."
"What? Too expensive!" he replied
The lady tk him to windw & askd "Do u see that restaurnt? That's what I've earned wth my mouth!"

So Bulldu decided to go for it. It was unbelievable! So he decided he wanted to try the real thing & asked, "How much?"

The lady pulled him over to the window again & said, "Do u see that skyscraper there? It would have been mine a long time ago if I had a pussy!"

Biker

A biker stops a young girl who's about to jump off a bridge.

He asks her: Do U mind giving me the final kiss before you jump?

She quietly accepted & gave him one of the deepest lingering kisses he had ever had.

When she finished, He said: Wow, this is the best Kiss I ever had.

But Why R U committing suicide?

She replied: My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..
The biker comitd suicide.
.

Wedding

A man was watching a movie at home..
and jor jor se cheekhne laga .....��
nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Ghode par se mat utar.. Pagal mat utar..
Its a trap!!  Its a trap!!
Marega saalle..

Wife: Kya dekh rhe ho?

Man: our wedding DVD!!��

Engineer

HA mechanical engineer went to police station for
filing report for his missing wife:

Engineer : I lost my wife (misty) ,she went for shopping and still not reached home yet

Inspector: What is her height

Engineer: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy

Engineer: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eyes

Engineer: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair

Engineer: Changes according to
season

Inspector: What was she wearing

Engineer: Saree/suit/ I don’t
remember exactly

Inspector: Was she going in a car ?????????

Engineer: yes

Inspector : tell me the number ,name and color of the car

Engineer: black audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-
speed tiptronic automatic
transmission with manual mode.
And it has full LED
headlights, which use light
emitting diodes for all light
functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door
…. And
theN the engineer started crying…..

Inspector: Don't worry sir, hum gaadi dhoond lenge.

Friendship

Chunu munnu swiming pool me naha rahe the.
Chunu dubne laga to munnu ki lulli pakad li.

Munnu :- Bhosdike,dekh le ye hoti hai dosti....Aaj ladki ke sath hota to dub jata..

Happy Frndship day

Underwear

Boy: tumne aaj kis colours ke underwear pehne hai?

Girl: tumko bus yehi sab baate karni hoti hai

Boy: okay, ye bataao, how should RBI fight these inflationary trends with minimum intervention in the money markets?

Girl: hmmmm... pink colour ki he... ok.

Phone

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don’t use home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone

Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who’s patiently listening to them.

Maid: “What? So we all use our work phones. What’s the Big deal?? =))

HR

Lol this is hilarious plz read .. Am Looking out for a New Job !!!!

After 2 years of selfless service, I realized that I had not been promoted, no salary increment, no commendation.
So I decided to walk up to my HR Manager. The manager looked at me, smiled and asked me to sit down saying: "My friend you have not worked here for even a single day."

I was shocked to hear this !!!, but the manager went on to explain, and here's the conversation that took place.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Me: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Me: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Me: 10am to 6pm
(i.e 8 hours a day.)

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Me: 8/24
i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Me: 122
(1/3 x 366=122 days)

Manager: Do u come to work on weekends?

Me: No sir.

Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Me: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If u remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days
do u now have?

Me: 18 days.

Manager: I do give u 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do u have remaining?

Me: 4 days.

Manager: Do u work on Republic Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on Independance Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Me: 2 days Sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on New Years Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Me: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do u work on Diwali ?

Me: No Sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: None Sir!

Manager: So what r u claiming?

Me: I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing company
money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
(HR: Hilarious Rascal.)

Many

Lux Or Dove Se Nahakar Kya Karna Hai

ek din To Sabhi Ko Mrna Hai

Ek-Ek pal Khushi Se Jilo Yaro

Agle Janam Me Phir Johnson Baby Se Shuru Karna Hai... 

Yashomati Mom Se
Talking Nandlala,
Radha Q Fair,
I m Q Kala,
Boli Smiling Maiya:
Listen mere lala,
....Wo City Ki item
Tu Village Ka Gwala
Thats why U Kala...
➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰
Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..

Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero. 

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Ek aadmi ne conductor se pucha: Aap kitne ghante bus me rehte ho?

Conductor: 24 hours.

Aadmi: Wo kaise?

Conductor: 8 ghante city bus me, Baaki 16 ghante biwi ke “BASME”.! ����

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home �� too, But Goddess Durga sits o the lion there! Lux Or Dove Se Nahakar Kya Karna Hai

ek din To Sabhi Ko Mrna Hai

Ek-Ek pal Khushi Se Jilo Yaro

Agle Janam Me Phir Johnson Baby Se Shuru Karna Hai... 

Yashomati Mom Se
Talking Nandlala,
Radha Q Fair,
I m Q Kala,
Boli Smiling Maiya:
Listen mere lala,
....Wo City Ki item
Tu Village Ka Gwala
Thats why U Kala...
➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰
Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..

Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero. 

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Ek aadmi ne conductor se pucha: Aap kitne ghante bus me rehte ho?

Conductor: 24 hours.

Aadmi: Wo kaise?

Conductor: 8 ghante city bus me, Baaki 16 ghante biwi ke “BASME”.! ����

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home �� too, But Goddess Durga sits o the lion there!

Whatsapp

Husband To wife - "Wow Honey.., The House is So clean..!!! Was the Whatsapp  Server down today...???